How to practice yoga during a Full Moon

Yoga and angerIt is full moon tonight. Traditionally Yogis don’t practice on the day before the full moon. Traditionally every month, no matter how much in advance I circle that shiny full moon there is screaming all over our place. For some reason I have a hope that I will avoid the fuss if I prepare myself well enough. If I practice enough. Yap, the same way the Werewolf hopes he can control his transformation by looking at his reflection. Bottom line is – I can try to prepare myself for the emotional imbalance, but to expect it from a five and two year old (or 33 year old male for that matter)? Asking a wee bit too much?

I was going through a bad period, to put it mildly, after my son was born. The pain from the pelvic girdle pain (PGP) just got worse after the birth. Unlike in all the other 90% cases in which the PGP was miraculously cured once the baby was born. Also, comparing myself to those 90% did not help. A long waiting list with NHS physiotherapist didn’t help either. I spent money we didn’t have on a private physiotherapist and cranial therapist that didn’t really know how to help me. I always wanted to give my kids everything but at those moments, deprived of sleep and alone with them all day, I was not able to pick them up and put them in a swing. A wee bit too much? Too much for sanity, for sure.

I think it would be understatement to say I hated myself and the world around me. Full moon for me was every bloody night. From today’s point of view I am sure I didn’t handle it very well. Yes I did the best I could at that moment. The best from what they’ve taught me. I would keep all the pain in me until it didn’t have anywhere else to go. And then it would explode. The rage, the tears, the lack of sleep. To everything and everyone in my way. Two year old tantrum is nothing compare to those outbursts. In front of children of course because we don’t have grandparents here to take them for a walk while I cry or scream or bang my head against the wall or do anything that might help me. At first they would just look at me scared and confused. But I didn’t stop. Regular intervals of insanity every few weeks. And then they started to imitate. Wherever and whenever they would feel sad, angry or scared.

Yes, that is when I realized this is going to stop. My mind is analytic. That is the way I deal with things. It didn’t take me long to realize that the thing I was thinking is helping was totally and absolutely wrong. Holding pain and discomfort inside you. Not doing anything to even try and bring the balance back. The answer? No, my dear, you can’t come home at 6pm, because I have to do exercises before I start making dinner and putting boys to sleep. No I can’t do this yoga class although we need the money, because first I have to heal myself. No, I will not do the weekly shopping alone with two of them running around the shop and me carrying heavy bags up the hill and up the the stairs. No I will not do the laundry now, because after three sleepless nights in a row I just need to stare at the wall. I just need to let go.

So one thing I had to do was just the opposite of what everyone taught me. If I had allowed myself to ‘scream’ from the very first moment in which I felt I couldn’t get up instead of suffering from the physical pain and hated myself for doing it, possibly the muscles and joints would heal quicker. Possibly my imbalance would start to move toward balance. For sure I would not be looney mum throwing things around the house.

And from today’s point of view I conclude I will not try to control my kids in that way. Fool moon or not. I will keep an eye so they don’t injure themselves. I will be there to help and comfort them. But screaming or hitting a pillow because your younger brother just ruined one-hour work building a castle is actually the best thing you can do. For your sanity. For your health. Crying because your older brother just took your wee Minion and hide it, well what else can you do if you don’t talk yet and you are too small to reach that shelf. I hope he will never have to, but in case he does come face to face with injustice, he will raise hell until justice is undone. The same way he is doing it now.

I am hoping that one day when some old fart takes their place in a theatre because they were late for the show they would silently ‘scream’ into his ear so he would move his pretentious ass from the seat they’ve paid for. Instead of shivering from inside with rage because he not only refuses to move but is accusing them that it is their fault he is sitting there. Which is what I would do myself few months ago. Now I am just looking forward to meet likes of him. Which is why I don’t see them. And that is good. And it feels good.

My Yoga practice tonight? Well doing my pelvic floor exercises while hauling on the Moon should be grounding and liberating at the same time. Enough to manage all the imbalance in the home without blood being spilt.

Namaste to all the beasts inside us. It is great to know when is their time to come out.